Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
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Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
definitely did not do anything wrong
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable