All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
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One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
ATMs should have breathalyzers
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
need him
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.