In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
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I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
So inspired right now.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.