Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
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Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
“That’s what” – She
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator