another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
You Might Also Like
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.