You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
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me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
[the middle of showering] I need a break
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.