Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
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[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.