Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
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I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Dead sexy!!
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
got so much cardio in today
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.