I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
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Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
🙄😏😂🤣
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Chemical wingman
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!