I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
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Goodnight 🐶
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
I self medicate, therefore you live.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works