Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
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“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Please do it!
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.