Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
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Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.