Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
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me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.