[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
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*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!