I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
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I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
This can never not be funny 😭😭
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.