Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
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Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did