noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
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Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Body by Oreos
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows