Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
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My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
New mindset, who dis?