In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
You Might Also Like
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
$4 #usedbooks
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
saving face 👀
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying