Bruh 😭😭😭😭
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A sick whale is called an unwhale
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Bike is short for Bichael.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.