The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
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Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
This is me
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time