there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
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Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
the #horror is real!
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
this is the news I live for
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
japanese corn
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.