[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
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me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
They’re called werewolves.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card