First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
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Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
*3.5 thank you very much.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate