The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
You Might Also Like
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
smh
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Pickled cat.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!