If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
You Might Also Like
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea