waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
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me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.