HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
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Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad