You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
You Might Also Like
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Baking is just science you can eat.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?