[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
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I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.