*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
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I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
I just tested negative for patience.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas