You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
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In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
every single time
only 11 steps left
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
I’m Sold!
so much to do
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?