boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
You Might Also Like
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
How to draw a duck
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!