[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
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If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
True.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
White Castle for the Win
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I’ve been learning to cook.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
It was worth a shot 😂
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”