“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
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“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600