Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
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Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?