MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
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[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time