You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
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sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons