Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
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*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
My wife gives the best headache.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
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.
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count