”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
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HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”