I hate everything
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I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?