ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
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“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
School be like
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same