Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
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It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.