Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
You Might Also Like
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.