That 👊
You Might Also Like
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
good work, detective
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade