Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
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Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.