This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
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DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
The first matador
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
as is their right
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.