Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
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14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?