I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
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My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Hmm, not sure about this change
Oh no 😂😂💔😭