My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
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WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
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Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house